This past week has been full of ups & downs for me. My pain levels have become unbearable across the week. I’m suffering majorly, in more ways than one because of it.
Ups And Downs
That’s the problem with Chronic pain, it isn’t just the pain the gets to you. Anxiety is a huge problem for me right now, as is depression. I’ve recently discovered the term brain fog. This is what I feel when my pain heightens, I becoming confused, dizzy, anxious, struggling with my short-term memory etc.
When I get like this it’s extremely hard for me to ‘word’ (talk) as I call it. If I am asked something, even if I know what I want to say, it comes out all jumbled up. This leaves both myself and the person im trying to talk to extremely confused. I get frustrated with myself very easily at the moment and have become quite emotional.
The hard part for me is being aware of all these symptoms. Knowing it is my body’s way of saying ‘help, I’m struggling!’ yet not knowing how to change that. I just can’t get my mind and body to cope and ride it out.
After hoovering just a small corner of the girls room, whilst the Mr did all the heavy work, I managed to hurt myself. I did this without realising, I thought I was being careful. I guess a walk into town afterwards tipped me over the edge.
To top it off the following day I managed to trip over our cat, Batgirl and fell into the doorway. I banged my hip on the frame as I fell and landed awkwardly on my right side. I instantly vomited from the pain and ended up passing out. When I woke I was instantly in tears because of the head splitting migraine. I also felt pain all over my body from the fall. 2 & 1/2 day’s later and I am still paying for it, but it is gradually easing again.
Being A Spoonie Mum
I need to learn my limits but I am struggling with this greatly. I’m only 25 & I have 2 daughters that I wish I could get down on the floor with more. Being a bit of a lunatic I hate being unable to do so much. I had a huge meltdown at my Mr this week. I ended up crying that I couldn’t do such a simple task most mothers do weekly. Tidying and sorting through your children’s toys should be something I dread doing! Instead, it’s something I wish I could do more.
I spent a good half an hour telling my Mr all the thing’s I find frustrating. It’s so hard because its stuff I SHOULD be able to do. He sat and listened for a while. Then said this to me, ‘If you saw someone in a wheelchair would you tell them to get up and walk because they should be able to?’. Of course, I said no. He told me that as much as I am finding it hard and frustrating, I need to stop judging myself and beating myself up constantly over what I ‘should’ be able to do. I need to accept that I have limits but there are things I can do and I should be proud of that.
That calmed me down and got me thinking. Eventually I realised how right he is and decided to sit and finish off Izzy’s blanket since I find it quite a calming hobby. I was in agony but still managed to complete it. Once I had done it I felt so much better, I had achieved something at last! I have made a few mistakes, there are 2 small button holes. They are barely noticeable, so I decided just this once I’d leave it. Afterall, it is my first big project. Luckily the fluffyness hid it well and Izzy had already been demanding I hurry up and hand over her blanket!
Over the last few weeks, knitting has helped me stay a bit more focused. It has helped me calm down a lot when I am feeling anxious. I concentrate on the next stitch, instead of sitting with a ton of thoughts racing through my head, over-analysing anything and everything possible.
Knitting that blanket has given me such a boost. Seeing Izzy’s face the following morning, watching her carry it all over the place and snuggling with it on her daddy’s lap, made me feel amazing. Such a boost after such an awful few days.
Becoming More Sociable
Some of you may have noticed I have been a little more active on twitter over the last week or so. I’ve had a few chat’s with some lovely blogger’s which has also cheered me up quite a bit. Some of my posts have been shared quite a lot surprisingly. Also, I have recieved several lovely comments which always seem to come through at a low moment and cheers me up.
As much as I have had some majorly down points this week, I have also had several good ones too. I definitely need to focus more on the good than the bad though.
On that note, tomorrow we are putting up our christmas tree. I’m getting excited for that, I’m going to cut out a few cardboard shapes, stars, stockings etc for the girls. They can pretty them up with paint and glitter and hang them around the flat.
I have made a small start on christmas presents and we have almost built up enough amazon credit to buy the girls beds. So this week when we get paid, we can buy their smaller presents. We wont struggle as much to make christmas happen, even after out money screwing up several times throughout the year. I’m so grateful for that right now, I know its your presence not presents that children need, but at the same time I’d like to make sure they have a magical christmas. Focusing on tons of food and lots of decorations to brighten the place up and getting the girls into the christmas spirit!
I am grateful for what I am able to do and know I need to give myself a break every now and then. I need to continue to help myself by busying myself with crafts, blogging and doing what I can with the girls. Im aware that anxiety and depression is part of the vicious cycle of chronic pain and thing’s will get worse a lot sooner, if I allow everything to get to me. So I plan to stay as positive as I can, distract myself as much as possible, judge myself less and try to accept my limits more.