Just Our Luck

Just our luck, the Mr’s PC decided to die on Monday morning, followed by our oven! Yep, yet again several big things at once have decided to die on us, you can’t make this shit up!

Thankfully I had some savings aside as we’ve been saving for a car but that means no car for even longer. I’m grateful I had the money there for a chancge, with nobody to ask for help usually these things are near on impossible for us to replace but it still stings.

It’s just our luck, no matter how many steps forward we take, we always end up several steps back again and it’s honestly so frustrating and depressing. I’m so tired of life constantly throwing stresses our way. Is it really too much to ask for life to just calm the fuck down!? Even just for a little bit?

I guess the court case over our car accident in 2021 going in our favour last week is a positive but it’s the only one this year and I’m so tired of living in a constant state of anxiety and depression wondering what will go wrong next. I honestly just want to hide away from the world, responsibilities and being me. I’m struggling to laugh it all off and see any positives right now, I feel like we are just going to be stuck going in circles of stress and shit forever.

It’s even harder knowing the Mr is due an inheritance that would be life changing for us, allow us to buy our first home, a car, decorate and a fresh start, with no clue when it’s due. We’ve tried to chase it up several times now but HMRC are causing delays and we’ve now been waiting a good two years as his dad’s house had to sell before everything could be added up and divided, I’m beginning to feel it’s life’s way of saying ‘HA fuck you, you don’t deserve anything good’.

So there’s today’s blurt of stress and shit.. How’s everyone else doing?

Being The Adult I hoped For

Being the adult I hoped for as a child myself has been one of my biggest drives as a parent. When Eva faced bullying at school I wanted to lose my shit in all honesty. Instead I tried to mediate with the school, agreeing to meetings, emailing back and forth all with little effect on the actual bullying.

I felt lost at this point, I was terrified at the idea of deregistering Eva and ruining her education, knowing school placements are quite limited and with us not having a car again right now, travelling to and from another school would be awkward even if there were suitable placements. I didn’t feel I was up to home ed considering the struggles we had during covid but when Eva and the Mr were followed and he was attacked after Eva had spent months having daily incidents being attacked in all kinds of ways, knew I had to make a decision.

I have been exactly where Eva was, only my mother reacted by screaming at the main culprit (a year 7 boy) in the high street outside of the school, a year 11 girl stepped in to tell her she needed to take it up with the school. When she did this my mother lost it and went for the girl, grabbing and tearing the girls skirt off her. Needless to say I was embarrassed more than I had been being bullied in front of everyone, she was acting no better than the bullies. Obviously the school were less than pleased and it was agreed all round I should deregister and register at another school instead which took months as they didn’t want her anywhere near the school. This definitely wasn’t what I wanted to see Eva go through even if I did feel like going to the school and kicking off.

I decided Eva’s mental health and sense of well being mattered the most, so I informed the school of the incident, declined further meetings and deregistered Eva, notifying the school I planned to home educate with immediate effect. And promptly had a breakdown.

Thankfully with some advice from Martyn, the home ed community and a fantastic tutor willing to try long distance learning with us, so far home ed has been a mostly positive experience. Eva has become a little attached to the Mr and I, which I guess is to be a expected especially after a traumatic event but she has a few friends in the home ed community, works at her own pace, goes shopping, eats out and we plan to start having some educational trips too.

I’m just hoping I’m being the adult I hoped for and Eva is truly happier with how things have worked out! 🤞

An Overdue Catch Up

Hellooooo.. Anybody out there? Quite possible not after all this time haha! Analytics reckon I do still get visitors which is surprising, so I figured I should probably share a little catch up for those long time followers and let you all know I am alive and still here. There’s been quite a lot going on here so I’ll give you a brief (🤣 we know I don’t shut up really) catch up.

An overdue catch up - Me, Eva and Izzy

Home Ed for Eva

I really wanted to pick back up the last time I posted but things spiralled a little and I just had no time or motivation to write. Eva unfortunately didn’t have a great time at secondary, after a fantastic start a group of kids decided to start targeting her on a daily basis. After several meetings and calls with the school and no improvement, followed by Eva and the Mr being followed home one afternoon by the same group of kids who then called on older family members to come out and attack the Mr, I decided enough was enough and deregistered her!

They obviously couldn’t look after her and keep her safe whatever measures they put in place and after realising she made it to year 8 with no recognition or support of her SEN needs alongside their lack of permanent teachers her education and well being was really beginning to suffer all round. We decided home education was probably the best for Eva all round. I won’t deny I was absolutely terrified of making this decision incase it was the wrong one. However, Eva has come a long way across 8 months of home ed, she has a fantastic tutor Julia from DCL Chester who provides workbooks and resources to keep Eva’s knowledge on track so she can sit IGCSE’s.

Crocheted monkey made by Eva

Since we began home ed we’ve worked out which subjects Eva would like to study, her end goal which is to study business and one day launch her own craft/crochet business. She has also picked up crocheting after many years of attempting it and in 8 months has made soooo many toys, admittedly her biggest motivation was to be able to get around my ‘no more teddies’ rule as she can’t part with any she owns and they are growing rapidly! 🙈🤣 I can’t deny her logic, she knows I won’t make her pass them on if she’s made them herself! Alongside this she is becoming a pro in the kitchen, she has mastered a lot of basic meals and regularly makes Swedish meatballs and gravy for our lunch, her home made burgers are amazing and her confidence is building each time she sees an empty plate!

Swedish meat balls, chips, peas and creamy gravy made by Eva

It’s been a rough 8 months adjusting I won’t lie, the lack of rest means I’m permanently exhausted, even more than usual especially as she is such a chatterbox, dealing with the LA had me in a panic but thankfully with Martyn and Julia on hand we were given the all clear and asked for an update at the end of the year.

Eva at flip out

We have made some friends in the home ed community though which has been lovely especially as Eva was scared to try making new friends after her best friend stabbed her in the back but she’s slowly gaining confidence again and loves her visits to rock up, flip out/jump giants and in the summer we went to the cinema with them a lot too which kept us busy!


I’m still a bit obsessed with gaming right now but our server on dayz came to an end and I’ve moved on to Elder Scrolls online and naturally I live there most days. There is a fantastic community and I’ve joined a great guild called Mutiny on the EU Xbox server, I spend most of my time helping other guild members, harvesting resources, killing stuff for fun and I’ve even been dabbling in some PvP! I absolutely suck at pvp I won’t lie but I love my lazy, noobish one bar build and zapping people in between dying a billion times myself haha!

I also played Fallout 76 for a bit and loved playing around building and rebuilding my camps but since I started playing ESO it feels a little clunky so I’m struggling to get back into it.


Outside of these, general life has been pretty up and down for us, as always! The Mr has had a rough time losing his dad and sister fairly close together, whilst he hasn’t spoken to them for sometimes it still hit hard. He is due an inheritance from his dad but had to wait for the house to sell and we are still waiting to hear from the solicitor when he will received the funds. When he does we can hopefully buy a house, car, furniture etc and have a fresh start which I am looking forward to!

Izzy has been struggling with anxiety and challenging behaviour, I’m still certain she’s Audhd and PDA but whenever I raise this with school staff suddenly her behaviour isn’t an issue, ‘isn’t every day’ so no cause for concern. Having been fobbed off at the start with Eva it’s no surprise really, I get teachers have a lot to do already, the idea of yet more paperwork to support yet another diagnosis must feel rubbish but I do wish they considered how this impacts the child going forward. With no support I do worry she will start to have more issues in school, especially when she hits secondary school. Because of this I’ve started to consider the fact she may end up best off home educated too, but we will see how things go.

My health is still as wobbly as ever hence hiding in gaming a lot. I’m using a walking stick when I go out to steady myself as my balance is awful especially on uneven ground. My heads also as wobbly as ever but I’m doing my best to try not to spiral when I notice I’m heading that way. Keeping busy in game has been a big help to be honest.

So there’s your overdue catch up, how’s everyone else been?

Happier Dayz as the !!!!!Live And Let Die Trader

I’ve been so quiet here lately and for once it’s not because I’m hiding in a bout of depression! We’ve been watching The Running Manz on YouTube for a few years now, he plays a game called Dayz, a zombie survival game. I’m not really a gamer but Paul is so funny and there is just so much to the game it got me and the Mr interested!

The girls got an Xbox for Christmas but barely used it so I figured I’d try out Dayz, I sucked and kept getting killed by zombie but I was hooked and loved hunting for what I needed around the map. When you die you respawn with a glow stick, bandage and piece of fruit and you have to find everything from food, clothes, weapons, building materials etc.

I bought it for the Mr on pc too hoping to play together but then we realised it isn’t cross platform so we both just kept trying out official servers and whilst we had fun we didn’t really get too far with any of our characters, lasting maybe a day or so at a time.

During school runs the Mr mentioned to Eva’s friends parents we had been trying out Dayz and they played too on Xbox so I joined them and they discovered an awesome server called Racoon City UK which recently change to Live And Let Die as it seems the name is used by a few servers and some were upset with us having the same name, we decided it was much simpler to change the name than end up in a silly war.

We instantly got down to business building a base, raided someone else’s who then raided us and over time I found myself spending most of my days killing zombies, looting and setting myself challenges like gathering logs and planks to build bigger bases, eventually we had to start trading to empty out a bit! Naturally I spent a lot of time winding up my friend too when he was annoying, like the time I moved the crates and dropped them everywhere knowing he likes them neat and tidy haha!

Community Trader

With the latest update to Dayz the server needed to wipe clean, all bases gone, everyone starts fresh at the coast so our awesome admin decided to create a safe zone so people could get themselves settled in, especially if new to the game, he even added houses for people to have some storage that can’t be raided. He created a friendly little community, outside of the safe zone is kill on sight anywhere though so you don’t lose that pvp feel and having to watch your back. It’s a fun server with very few rules, just don’t be a dick!

In the safe zone I now have a warehouse for my trading with items that spawn in which we sell for nails, people can easily find in the trucks loaded with building items all around the map, giving people a good start without making things so easy they get bored. It’s such a great little server all round to be honest and always something random happening!

The full Xbox community server name is below if you would like to join me. Feel free to come say hi, I’m always wearing a purple bandana and now a green arm band and occasionally a pumpkin head whilst dancing around stupidly! 😁

!!!!!LIVE AND LET DIE/CUSTOM MAP/SZ/Trader discord.gg/sW7WXFFqZ5

Happier Dayz

It’s crazy how much I have gotten into this game, it just had so much going for it and it’s actually helped me so much with my health and mental health too. I’m no longer spending my days stressed, worrying and over thinking because I’m busy helping people or hunting or building or even planting pumpkins and doing a rain dance. I’m not pushing myself physically, I can stay sat in one place longer now and I hurt less for it, I’m sleeping a little better because of it all too.

This week I’d usually be a pacing stressed mess, Eva’s presents haven’t all arrived in time, people are unsure if they can visit on the day or come for the meal we have planned but I realise I can’t solve it all and just taking it as it comes, I’ve apologised and explained everything to Eva and she seems to be taking it well, she does at least have some new art supplies and a tonne of vbucks for fortnite which should last her at least 10 seconds haha! My anxiety seems to have calmed a little, definitely not completely but enough to no longer feel I need to chase help. I’m accepting my limits and enjoying Dayz when I reach them and realising that having something for me is a good thing, plus I get to wear purple! 😁💜

Do you have a game that you really enjoy and makes you feel happier? Have you ever played Dayz before?

Wobbles And Gratitude

Wobbles and gratitude seem to be my life lately. As I’m sure it has been for most people, 2020 has been one messed up year full of change, fear and confusion not to mention the usual life stresses! There has also been lots of moments where I’ve felt extremely grateful though. I thought it would be good for me to write about it and have something to look back on as a reminder that 2020 wasn’t all that bad.


adult alone black and white dark
Photo by Kat Jayne on Pexels.com

OK so there have been a LOT of wobbles this year. We’ve had to replace our car, washing machine, the TV died which we only use for DVDs but try having two children home for 7 months and lacking that extra distraction! On top of that we’ve had car parts to sort for our current car, the girls both decided to grow not one but two sizes.. Yup while the majority of shops were shut.

Our emersion heater for hot water has now been dead for almost a fortnight and work is due to start tomorrow after multiple call outs, being left a full day without full use of our electrics. mainly in the kitchen, and of course they didn’t turn up until way after dinner time having been called at 6am the day the emersion heater tripped all all the electrics.

Missing Friends And Family

I’ve also been wobbling over missing people, who knew you could be so antisocial yet miss people!? What the hell is that about, seriously!? We have spent every birthday having a BBQ with Martyn and Hannah, we attend one or two events with them across the year and honestly, missing these made me really wobbly, it had become a routine we all enjoyed. I know almost everyone has missed somebody this year, it’s been so hard on us all. Hopefully next year we can all see more of our friends and family.

Sheayla, although part of our bubble usually, has been really busy and my head won’t let me ask when she is free in case I add to her stress. I know its difficult with college, work and trying to flit between her mums, dads and boyfriends houses and spend time with everyone. The girls have really missed seeing her regularly and so have I but thankfully we have had a catch up at last this week.


thank you signage
Photo by Giftpundits.com on Pexels.com

On the note of being thankful, around all these stressful, wobbly times I have begun to notice that the people around me have made such a difference and for that I am extremely grateful for! I may not see these people day to day, month to month or even year to year but this year has shown me I do have a support network, something I felt I didn’t really have.

The Mr has been amazing through it all, how on earth he copes with me moping around growling about everything without losing it himself is beyond me. He’s taken over even more around the flat because I finally admitted to him how much more I was struggling day to day. Things like loading the dishwasher I have tried to keep doing as I feel lazy otherwise but some days I just cant cope with the pain and the knock on effect was stressing me out to breaking point, so now if I haven’t done it around the times I usually do it, he goes ahead and does it for me and I’m learning to let him and appreciate his help instead of just seeing the negative side.

Good Friends

Ken and I have two close friends who have really helped us through this year as well as others. Whether its running me to the hospital or lending us some cash to get us through whatever disaster life has decided to throw our way that day, they have been there for us.

On top of that I have a handful of close online friends such as Fiona, Lisa, Martyn and Bubble who have kept me going. I know I can rant away without judgement when I’m stressed, get it all off my chest, allowing me to calm back down and either find a solution or accept whatever rubbish has just come our way. Having friends to talk to during wobbles can make such a difference. I definitely need to harass Martyn more but stupidly tried not to knowing he was stressed, the truth is we all have stress and we all need a little bit of harassment from good friends to keep us going and remind us we are all struggling in our own ways.


With our lack of hot water its been quite challenging, due to Covid there are less people working at the same time and our job needs three people hence the long wait. Throughout this Sheayla’s mum/ my Step-mum has been extremely supportive, letting us borrow her bathroom and she is fantastic with the girls. Without Heidi, I genuinely don’t think I would have coped at all these last few weeks. The last thing you want during a pandemic is to be short of hot water and the ability to keep your hands clean! Especially when sending your children to school. Sheayla has been fantastic helping me bath the girls if she’s home too which I truly appreciate, they don’t need a lot of help anymore but it still leaves me exhausted and sore through to the next day.

So overall it has been a rather rubbish year but there has been some highlights and for that I am extremely thankful! I’ve spent more time with the girls than ever, we’ve done so much at home and have lots of happy memories to look back on. Lets hope we all have a much better year next year with less wobbles and remember to keep supporting one another where we can.

Support your friends

Favourite Athleisure – Staying Warm & Comfy!

What’s your favourite Athleisure wear? Do you prefer joggers? Hoodies? Trainers? As a spoonie, I love warm cosy hoodies the most. I have quite a collection of hoodies, especially as I struggle to stay warm. I’ve been doing some online window shopping for comfy Athleisure wear to keep me warm this winter. 

Favourite Athleisure

At the moment my favourite hoody is an Umbro one I picked up in Asda on sale for £4! It’s so cosy and it’s smart enough for me to wear out with my jeans on a cold day too. It’s very similar this one below from the Umbro site. 

Photo Credit: Umbro.co.uk

Hoodie Wishlist

Of course, you can never have enough hoodies! So I’ve been eyeing up a few on the Adidas site. The Mr has an Adidas hoody almost as old as me that is still going strong, so I checked out the range Adidas has right now.

I love this oversized Trefoil Hoodie in blue, it would be perfect with jeans for nipping to the shops and lounging around indoors in.

Oversize Trefoil Hoodie Super Blue DH3181
Photo Credit: Adidas.co.uk

There is a lovely fleece purple Nike Hoodie I have my eyes on right now too! 

Nike Sportswear Women's Fleece Hoodie
Photo Credit: Nike.com 

Another lovely hoodie is this grey Sport ID Hoodie. It looks so cosy and warm! Perfect for keeping wrapped up this winter.

Sport ID Hoodie Medium Grey Heather / White CZ5667
Photo Credit: Adidas.co.uk

I love hoodies, there are so many different styles available and they really keep you warm. They can look smart with a pair of jeans whilst still staying casual and comfortable.


I love joggers for lounging around indoors, warm yet not too restrictive! Jogging bottoms are essential for me, if we have people over I need to at least look like I’ve got dressed but due to my chronic pain wearing clothes is painful. Being able to wear joggers and a hoodie makes a big difference and there are some lovely joggers around like these Adidas Essential 3 stripe grey joggers. 

Essentials 3 Stripes Closed Hem Pants Medium Grey Heather / Haze Coral CZ5750
Photo Credit: Adida.co.uk


Lastly, my trainers are hugely important. I may not go out much but I need something comfortable, warm and sturdy on my feet. Most boots just don’t feel right to me so I live in my Nike Air Max’s. I currently have a gorgeous black & purple pair I bought from the Nike Outlet Store. 

Favourite Athleisure

I’ve been looking for other purple trainers and the Women’s Originals Superstar range has a fab pair with purple stripes!

Superstar Shoes Ftwr White / Red Night / Silver Met. B41510
Photo Credit: Adidas.co.uk

Do you have favourite Athleisure wear? 

Recovering From A Low Patch

I’m slowly recovering from a low patch. Having felt great following my personal month of blogging challenge, losing my ESA award was a huge blow. It left us struggling financially, we spent every single day and weekend focused on finding a solution. Trying to writing the right letter and applying for the right benefits with 2 kids around can be hellish.

Recovering From A Low Patch

Benefit Changes & Accepting I Need A Carer

DWP Assessors acknowledged all my health issues and agreed they impacted my health. However, I was basically told I could work if I used a wheelchair. Sod my mental health too, just get on with it basically. Luckily I receive PIP and with the Mr spending so much time at home caring for me, doing things I can’t, reminding me to eat regularly, take my medications on time etc allowed him to claim carers allowance which also entitled him to claim income support for us.

Having a Carer

I’m not going to lie, whilst accepting that I do need a carer was hard, it was also a relief. Passing on the burden of having to fill out the form correctly made things less stressful. After 2 months of barely any money to live on, we received the benefit awards the same day as our eviction notice. Luckily that meant we could notify the council and avoid being evicted.

Getting Back On Track

I still struggled for a while, kicking myself for putting us through 2 months of hell because of my health. After a few weeks spent catching up on bills though, things finally turned around. Being able to treat the girls to what they need plus a few extras have been lovely. I felt so selfish when we had nothing, the whole family suffered because of my assessment.

Slowly picking myself back up I’ve managed to get back on track with finding out what’s going on with me. I missed blood tests after losing my award as I felt it was pointless. So what if I was ill? Everyone else was barely able to eat. Obviously now I see it probably would have helped me to carry on with the tests so I have been back to the Dr and getting back on top of it all.

Instead of pushing myself through frustration I’ve slowed down, picked up my crochet hook more and read, having more me time has helped. Recovering from a low patch can be quite wobbly, I’ve had some low days reflecting on these last few months. I’ve also been trying to make the most of being in a better situation and accepting I need more help has helped me feel better about having more me time, something the Mr is always nagging me to do!

Having A Life Again

Knowing the Mr can pick up a few beers to relax after a day of school runs, shopping, clothes washing, reminding me to person and general tidying is a huge relief. The poor bloke barely has a social life, he spends so much time at home helping us. It’s nice he can sit and relax after a long day with a cold beer.

I’ve had the chance to finally try Contact Lenses with a push from the Mr and eventually decided to go with Daily lenses instead of monthlies without feeling hugely guilty. The benefits have outweighed the costs and as the Mr is now officially my Carer he is using it as an excuse to make me listen & treat myself more!

Contact Lens

Months of apologising to the girls because we couldn’t afford to do this or buy that was hard. Luckily we were able to get out to the Dickens festival & spoilt them slightly. We made the most of being out for the first time in months which felt great. Mum guilt is horrible when you are the reason your kids are going without so it was lovely to finally say YES. Izzy was ecstatic to see The Lamplighter and he sung the Charlie Mops song just for her even though he hadn’t planned to sing it!

Eva spent some birthday money and I treated her to a few extras too. Something I hadn’t been able to do for a while! As she has become a huge Harry Potter fan we picked her up some awesome bits like this box and sign!

Being Robbed By Royal Mail & Fonegiant

The Mr made sure I finally have a working phone (LG G5!) too which was a huge relief after months of phone stress. With Fonegiant and Royal Mail both failing spectacularly with Fonegiant sending out a locked phone, in the wrong colour, followed by Royal mail losing the £180 phone.

Royal Mail can only refund the person who paid the postage which is down to Fonegiant who refuse to claim and instead keep resending me the Royal Mail Claims site page. I certainly wouldn’t recommend buying a phone from Fonegiant as there is no guarantee you will receive a working phone and clearly they are unwilling to help once they have the money safely in their account.

Royal Mail did eventually give me £60 compensation and accepted they have lost the phone. They refused to refund me the £180 for the phone as Fonegiant have to chase it.. Which of course Adam who owns Fonegiant is refusing to do. Having been robbed by them both in the middle of all this just made me feel even worse. I felt suicidal for the first time in years.

That refund could have fed us when we had no money coming in! Without a phone, I couldn’t book the appointments needed or answer calls from DWP which helped my assessment fail. I was immensely grateful when Mandy offered to send me a phone to help me out. She warned me it may not work with a big crack in the screen. The phone worked enough for me to make those necessary calls and I honestly can’t thank Mandy enough!

The Mr eventually bought me a G5 for £40 less than the one from Fonegiant. It arrived working, the correct colour, on the correct network! Such a relief!

Recovering From A Low Patch

Since things fell back in place, the Mr has bought me a new (working!) LG G5, allowing me to feel connected again. I can keep up with everything again, I can moan on twitter and harass Martyn and Hannah on Whatsapp (Sorry guys but you kept me sane) again. I can call and book appointments and keep in touch with my brother again. All things I felt lost without!

Hopefully, now I’ll find my blogging mojo again. I’m determined to set myself a few goals over the coming months. Blogging definitely keeps me sane, whatever I’m sharing. From sharing cool products, covering my mental & physical health, crafts, books, it all makes me feel happier. Jibbering moany rubbish helps me get everything off my chest so my head can attempt thinking logically. Sharing our ups & downs has been a massive help to me & it’s lovely to look back & see how far we’ve come.

Looking back over the last few months, we’ve been through quite a lot but there are so many positives to focus on! I have realised I have some fantastic friends I can genuinely rely on, talk openly with and feel supported by.

Going through this has shown me we can get through so much as a family. The last few months have been so stressful for us all yet we still come out stronger than ever! When you aren’t worrying so much about where the next meal is coming from everything feels amazing. I’ve been in agony at times but still, I feel grateful to finally have everything back in place.

If you are ever having a low patch, reach out, there’s always someone willing to listen. My DM’s are always open! Sometimes things like this hit us hard & small things on top can tip us over the edge but we can recover from a low patch!

My Monthly Goals – March 2018

I’m listing my monthly goals in the hope it encourages me to at least attempted them all! I rarely set goals and I want to see if setting a few this month has a positive impact. So here goes…

Monthly Goals

Monthly Goals

1. Start crocheting a pair of socks.

I am really enjoying crochet, it’s great for my mind and a distraction when my body needs to rest. Completing items leaves me feeling like I have achieved something, the fact they are practical items, blankets the girls can snuggle with etc… really adds to that. I’m determined to try crocheting socks and having warm feet at the end will be awesome!

2. Complete my 30 days of blogging!

I’ve been quietly attempting to blog for an entire month and I am pleased to say I am rather close to the end of it! It’s helped me busy my mind with upcoming assessments, uncertainty over my health, lack of phone/chasing a refund & the typical day-to-day stresses. Watching my stats jump up has been lovely to see too!

3. Complete my Blanket.

Ok this one may not be doable but it’s on my list just in case I do manage it, I’m getting so close to completing it now! I think perhaps a few crochet only days would help me achieve this by the end of the month.

4. Learn the settings on my camera.

I love my new camera, I’ve been mostly using auto for my photo’s but want to learn a bit more. I want to be able to use it in manual a little more if I can!

5. Read 2 books.

I’m half cheating as I am currently halfway through a book right now. I haven’t read properly in a few years so making 2018 a year to read more! So far I have read Elie Wiesel’s night which I stole from Hannah and motivated me to find another book. Having lost a lot of my books from lending them out I only had a few to read but I am currently reading The Lovely Bones and have Trancer waiting in my email too.

6. Survive my assessment.

With just 3 days until my rescheduled assessment he nerves have been kicking in. The fear and what-ifs floating round and round in my head. I hate having to go through it all, I hate proving how messed up my head and body are. It’s degrading and terrifying. Someone who doesn’t know you is about to make a huge decision & let’s face it, not all assessors are fair! Fingers crossed my records help!

7. Continue chasing my refund.

Having upgraded to an LGG5 last month which I bought from Fonegiant only to find it was blocked and on an American network. I wasn’t happy when the seller talked to me like an idiot who didn’t know how to use a dial pad when he sent several unlock codes. Then I returned the phone using their business labels and somehow Royal Mail have now lost the phone the evening it reached the local depot! Now I am hoping Paypal will resolve our dispute and refund me the £180. Over a month with no phone, £180 down, several stressful phone calls, lots of tears, stressful emails and still I am waiting. I am determined to get this issue resolved. Thanks to the fact I have anxiety this has basically left me stuck at home most of the time as I panic if I can’t call the Mr!

8. Do something new.

I tend to stick to the same routines, visit the same shops, eat from the same paces and I want to mix it up a bit! I’m not sure what yet but I’ll update you when I figure it out!

So these are my monthly goals for March, I hope to manage at least half if not all of them. Finger’s crossed having a list to look back on helps me achieve them!

Do you have any monthly goals?

Looking Back At 2017

Looking back at 2017, I can honestly say it was one of our better years. Things still went wrong.. a lot. But we coped better, we have some amazing people around us who have helped in so many ways to make 2017 survivable.

Looking Back At 2017

Looking Back

2017 was stressful at times, looking back at our year we have had several expensive things break. Our dishwasher was first followed by the washing machine, the new washing machine, the Mr’s phone, the cooker, my phone and of course we couldn’t end the year without one more thing break.. the Mr’s new phone. Less than 90 days old. My good friend Slim and his lovely mum have helped us a lot this year through these issues and I am eternally grateful to them. Fingers crossed 2018 is a better year with less breaking and needing replacing!

2017 has also been great in so many ways! Realising we do have some fantastic friends, blogging friends talking me through the ups and downs and giving me something to giggle over and my confidence has at least grown enough to stand up for  myself again. I have met so many lovely people through the blogging world who have helped me see I am not alone.

Blogging Buddies

We have had some fantastic days out with Martyn (Inside Martyn’s Thoughts) who we went to the Medway English Festival and the Rochester Dickens Festival with. We also met the lovely Hannah (Cupcake Mumma), Martyn’s better half. 😉 Hannah helped Martyn put on a lovely little party for Izzy’s 3rd birthday when we couldn’t manage it ourselves. They are such genuinely lovely people and it brightened up our year. 

Izzy & Martyn

A lot of lovely bloggers chipped in and bought Izzy a replacement pirate ship too. A visitor broke hers and she was absolutely devastated but she loves her new ship even more and plays with it just as much! I actually cried over this, it was such a lovely, thoughtful thing to do for Izzy!


Making Progress

I have travelled out of my area via public transport to visit Martyn. A small thing for most but a huge thing for me as I struggle to go too far from home especially alone. Especially just for me to get out for a break and a catch up. I think this has helped a lot with my confidence too, knowing I can do it even with a few small wobbles on the way. I’ve stopped feeling guilty for going out. Looking back I have realised its good for the Mr to spend more time with the girls alone. It’s great for me to have a break occasionally too, something I rarely do.

I have slowly learnt to manage my chronic pain better. Whilst I still over do it at times, it happens less now. I am learning my limits! This has helped with my mood so much, I no longer snap as easily as before. I am able to speak up when I know I need a hand, maybe not all the time but compared to before it is a big change! I still spend a lot of time dosed up curled in my corner recovering from something simple like a walk into town but I know when to admit I have to stop.

Coping Better

My anxiety and depression have become slightly more manageable too. I still have awful days and anxiety still eats away at me regularly but I am recognising the signs of a big meltdown and can at least let someone know I am struggling. More counselling will no doubt be needed at some point but for now I am happy I have made some progress alone. I know my anxiety is still ridiculously out of control (not helped by nurses!) but it isn’t 24/7 now maybe more 20/7. Crocheting is still calming me when I really struggle and so is blogging, hopefully over the next year I can progress some more and try to overcome the choking anxiety I feel most of the time.

Growing The Blog

Looking back the blog has grown a lot this year. Thanks to blogging we have had the chance to review some amazing products over the last few months and visited the Rainforest café to see Santa in exchange for a review which was fantastic fun for the girls. I’ve worked with some great companies on subjects that are important to me.

I wrote about the importance of handwriting in children in collaboration with Stabilo. I shared a lovely 2018 Page A Day Diary from Ryman. There are several gift guides I have worked on and lots of lovely books too. These little things remind me that I am not stupid or lazy for not working. I am still trying to do something useful. It means the girls get a few extras we otherwise couldn’t manage. 

The blog has become a big part of our life and I definitely want to carry on growing it. I would love to review more events and days out with the girls too as we really enjoy it!

Feeling Good

A lot has changed this year. Looking back through the good and the bad, I have realised I am not alone, ever. It doesn’t matter what the issue is, I just need to reach out, someone will be there. Having people to talk to this year ( I am sure some wish I would shut up at times haha!) I’ve managed to get stuff off my chest I have bottled up for years. I honestly think that has been the greatest help. I have stopped beating myself up so much and come to accept a lot of my past. Nobody is perfect and having a group of people who admit they aren’t, who listen with an open mind and just be there (even if it’s just in emoji form) has made 2017 that bit better. Thank you to everyone who has helped make 2017 survivable!

I’m hoping for a better year in 2018 with my Mr and girls with a few good friends around us. I can’t wait to see what is in store for us! Lets just hope no more appliances or phones die 😂😂


Living In A High Rise With Anxiety & Chronic Pain

Living in a high rise can be hell for me! My regular readers will know quite a bit about my anxiety & chronic pain and those that read my #worldmentalhealthawarenessweek post will know a fair bit more about my mental health. Living in a high rise flat makes all of this much more difficult. When I’m having a bad day it isn’t a case of just opening the door & stepping out into the sunshine. Being 11 floors up makes it feel like a full blown mission just to get out of the building. Sometimes it leaves me feeling so trapped I lock myself away for days at a time just to avoid the going out & coming in the block.

I definitely spend more time worrying about going out now than I did when we were in a house. Living in a high rise means you WILL bump into people on your way in and out which stresses me out, especially on bad days. I’m not a people person, I can’t do small talk, I feel awkward and panic about how I look & sound. Knowing I live in a block with some extremely violent neighbours including the guy above us (who attacked the Mr back in March) can make me panic.

The worst part about living with anxiety & chronic pain on the 11th floor is when there are issues with the lifts. If they go out of service I am either stuck upstairs or downstairs or have to push myself through the pain which generally leaves me struggling for DAYS! Our lifts go out of service quite regularly even though they were ‘replaced’ last year.

On Wednesday, after over 12 hours of hearing one lift screeching up and down and people screaming, banging and ringing the bell getting stuck in the other lift the Mr got stuck for 10 minutes. Eventually he got up to the 14th floor & the doors opened, the Mr instantly called the council to try and get them fixed.

I tried to go out an hour or 2 later and found the lifts just wouldn’t open at all so I had to brave going down the stairs with Izzy. Going down isn’t so bad but with a 2 year old sliding down the concrete steps for 11 floors my back was agony by the time we got downstairs. Relieved to have at least got out we wandered off to town and the lifts seemed to be working when we got back.

We ended up stuck for 5 minutes but we were luckily let out again at the 14th floor and the Mr ran up to meet us and help Izzy as she was a little panicked. Fuming the lifts were still in service and trapping people the Mr went off to hunt down the caretakers to try and get the issue resolved. My anxiety was quite bad at this point and I kept going very dizzy. Trying to remember my calm breathing from CBT I slowly managed to calm myself down.

I’d agreed to do the afternoon school run as the Mr needed to wash his jeans (he’s a nightmare and ruins them instantly) so I started worrying about that too. We left quite early so Izzy could try walking to the school & back for the first time, roughly a mile each way. It’s a good job we did as the lifts were still not working. Again we had to go downstairs & I was dreading coming back.

After a lovely walk to the school & back we stopped a caretaker on our way home to check what was going on. He rang through to the council for me and told me the engineers had fixed it in the time we had been gone. When we got to our block though 2 other caretakers were stood at the bottom with a lift open but dropped a good few inches. They told us it should be fine but there may be a step.

Panicking I asked if they were sure & even joked if we got stuck I’d blame them. The lift stated to move ok, no noises until we got to around the 7th floor where the lift stated banging and jumping/dropping. We had another lady and her teenage son in the lift with us & we were all trying our best not to freak out, especially as I had both girls with me. With the lift doors refusing to open and the lift dropping along with ‘Doors opening, door’s closing’ repeating over and over I had to seriously work on controlling my breathing.

The girls were getting quite upset at this point so I tried to calm them down by giving them juice as the lift was getting extremely warm. Suddenly we heard the Mr’s voice asking if we were ok and what was going on. I managed to shakily shout back that we were ok and explain what was going on. We didn’t realise at this point but the 2 caretakers had come up in the lift beside us and had got stuck too. They managed to get out & the Mr asked them to call the fire brigade which they apparently aren’t allowed to do if people are stuck in the lifts!?

The Mr rung the fire brigade instead, he’s not one to hang around when something needs doing & explained there were young children in the lift and people with anxiety. I was sat with the girls at the back of the lift, both of them crying because they were scared. I honestly just wanted to scream myself but I knew I had to keep calm for the girls so I kept them talking instead. ‘That’s daddy, he’s the other side of the doors, it’s ok. You know daddy will fix it, daddy fixes everything’ I told them. Izzy bless her said ‘Just like he always fixes things’. That seemed to calm them down slightly.

Whilst waiting for the fire brigade the Mr kept trying to call the lift to different floors to see if the doors would open at some point. Each time it got stuck I told the other people to ring the alarm so they knew the lift had stopped again. We went up to the 14th but nothing happened, we went back down floor by floor with the lift still jumping & banging as it went. The doors finally opened when we reached the 7th floor with the lift dropped down a good few inches and we all got out as quickly as we could.

As soon as we were out we headed for the stairwell & made our way back up to our floor. I was visibly struggling & the caretaker suggested I stop & sit down but I explained I have chronic pain as well as anxiety so needed to keep going before my legs gave in. Living on the 11th floor of a high rise is not fun! I needed to get us all indoors so I could calm down as the pain was making me shake & struggle to breath along with my heart & head racing like mad. The Mr came looking for us and met us at the 9th floor & took over helping the girls up which was a huge relief.

We got through the door & all collapsed on the sofa, except the Mr. The fire brigade had arrived a minute after the doors opened so the Mr ran down to let the firefighters know what had happened. They agreed the lifts needed turning off until an engineer had been out again like the Mr had been asking the caretakers to do all day. Finally they were shut down & it seems an engineer came out in the early evening as one lift now works but the other is out of service.

I’m extremely nervous about going out again now, more so than before. Living in a high rise is so damn stressful for such a range of reasons. I can’t deal with the pain throughout my body after so many flights of stairs in one day as well as walking. I’ve taken all the meds I can safely take and it’s barely even taken the edge off.  The girl’s are still a bit shaken up & Eva was so worried leaving for school this morning too. I hate living in a high rise with chronic pain & anxiety, things like this just add to it and make me panic and worry more.

The most terrifying part was finding out the alarm isn’t connected to ANYTHING. It simply rings & your best hope is someone will hear it and try to call the lift to get it working again. How can I calmly step into the lift knowing if I get stuck it could be ages before someone hears? We were lucky the caretakers had known & the Mr had been watching for us to come in the block knowing the lifts were playing up & then kept an eye on them. My head keeps going over the what ifs even though I am trying to block them out. We got out safely, we are fine… But what if it happens again?

Do you live in a high rise? Do you struggle with it too?