An Exhausting Week

It’s really been an exhausting week as I was due my ESA assessment on Tuesday afternoon and had spent the past week or so beforehand feeling gutted that I was going to miss out on the little time we had to spend with Eva on her birthday around schopl but on Monday I got a call asking me to move my appointment time from 2.45pm to 10am. Part of me was so glad it meant I could surprise Eva and collect her from school, hand out sweets to her classmates & take her to spend her birthday money in town but the change of times also threw me and made me panic so I spent most of Monday night waking and was up by 5.30am panicking and feeling sick & nervous.

On the plus side I had plenty of time to get Eva’s cards, badge & balloon ready before she woke up & was the first one to wish her a happy birthday!

an exhausting week & Eva's birthday

I managed to keep calm until the Mr took Eva to school & then I begun panicking more about the assessment and started feeling really sick.

I hate talking to strangers but the woman that did my assessment wasn’t too hard to talk to at least but every pause made me even more nervous and several times I felt so hot and dizzy I thought I might pass out. I had a friend in with me but I spent most of the time staring out the window.

I dont really remember exactly what was said now as I was mainly trying to focus on breathing and answering each question without stumbling over my words but I remember going through my daily routine which was quite depressing to hear out loud.

We moved on to my depression and anxiety when my previous self harming came up which I stupidly didn’t expect and it threw me especially as I had to explain it fully aswell as my failed overdose at 18. By this point I suddenly realised I was running my thumb nail across my left palm hard enough to leave my hand bright red underneath the desk.

I dont remember much that was said again after that but I remember doing the physical tests before being told to expect to hear something within 2 weeks and leaving. I couldn’t wait to get out and panicked as I felt so hot & sick after doing the physical and was shaking by the time I got out into the fresh air.

I thought I’d feel relieved afterwards but instead I felt even worse. Talking about my past, how much I’m struggling mentally and physically every day, explaining my boring depressive life messed with my head a bit. Its been a few days now & I feel a little better at least but I am still worried about the outcome and what could happen next.

My anxiety in general has been through the roof lately and I’ve been struggling to focus on anything for the past few weeks where we have had so much go on and I just can not shut my head up long enough to do anything so I’m hoping now things are calming down again and we have less appointments to deal with for a few weeks I can get back on track and relax a bit more.

Starting next wednesday we have workers in and out doing our kitchen, toilet & bathroom which is making me panic a bit but I am hoping that as I’m pretty much stuck indoors with little to do whilst they do the work I will have a bit of extra time to focus on the blog & crochet and hopefully stress a little less!

A little catch up

I’ve had to neglect the blog amongst other things over the last week or so & thought I’d give you a little catch up. Eva came down with tonsillitis & a viral rash. She is very rarely ill but when she is it can be hard work as she get’s very emotional and scared and to top it Izzy has been poorly too so I’ve literally fallen behind on everything!

Luckily they both seem to be a fair bit better today although Eva still has an upset tummy but I am at least getting more done now and a bit of free time.

A fair amount has gone on whilst I’ve been away including Eva’s neurologist appointment about her headaches Thursday just gone. She has been referred for an MRI scan on her brain but the Dr thinks it will come back ok.. I hope so! I’m now just waiting on a date.

Annoyingly my ESA assessment was cancelled and rescheduled for Eva’s birthday (10th May) in the afternoon meaning I’ll maybe see her for an hour across the day as she is also at school. I’m really gutted but we have planned to make the most of the good weather we are supposed to have this Sunday with a nice picnic at one of our local park’s and we’ve invited a few people. We also decided to let her have her presents & cake Sunday too so she has a chance to play with them as Tuesday will be a rush with school & me off to my assessment. We will still give her card’s a badge & some sweets to hand out at school on her actual birthday too which she is happy with as she says gets two birthdays!

I had some good news in the week from the council, giving us a date (18th May) for our new kitchen, toilet & bathroom! I can’t wait to finally have enough kitchen cupboards for all our pots & pan’s and have everything fit in nicely at last

I received an awesome parcel from The Insiders too! I’m taking part in their Calmurid Pro Campaign and received an entire bottle for myself to test as well as a ton of samples attached to a £3 voucher to give out too! (Feel free to get in touch if you’d like one!)

a little catch up

 

How’s your week been? Have you had any good/bad/interesting news lately?

 

 

Purple Relentless for Relentlessly Purple

I am ecstatic right now..My 2 all time favourite things have at last merged into one!! Purple Relentless!

The Mr went shopping yesterday and came across the new Passion Punch Relentless and sent me this picture..

purple relentless

Yes you are seeing correctly…Purple  Relentless! IKR amazing!! I wont lie I did get a little over excited seeing this picture and may have done a little happy wiggle haha.

Not only is it purple BUT it tastes amazing! The flavour – Passion Punch, is absolutely divine & most definitely going to be my go to drink for summer with it’s fruity flavour! I cant wait to try it with some Rum or Pimm’s!

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I tried pouring a little out to see the colour of the drink itself and although it is more a pinky colour I can see it turning a lovely shade of purple when mixed with Pimm’s 😉

It’s a little sad I know but I’ve been hoping for a purple can of Relentless for years now as Relentless has been my favorite drink since my college days and well.. Im obsessed with purple.. If you couldnt tell!

It seem’s a new flavour in an amazing purple isn’t the only change to Relentless, the brown origin can’s are now black. The design has changed a lot too and it’s a lot simpler now.. I love the colour change but I do prefer the detail in the old design but overall I’m more impressed that there is finally a can of Purple Relentless for Relentlessly Purple haha! 😉

How awesome is that!? If you could have your drink of choice in the colour & flavour of your choice what would it be?

ESA Assessment

On the 22nd I have my ESA assessment and I have to say it’s really making me nervous. It’s so hard trying to explain to people how much I struggle on a daily basis with both my pain and mental health and I’m terrified as if I’m refused I just don’t know how we are going to cope. I tried to write on a ‘support’ group how I am feeling and was surprised to find so many people making horrible comments towards me, I know there are people a lot worse off than myself and I can appreciate it is so much harder for them but to me this is difficult too and I need to ramble about it somewhere safely… I guess this is kinda what the blog is for after all!

I didn’t expect to get as far as actually going through with the assessment, I guess part of me hoped the steroid injections would have helped ease enough pain for me to start getting back on track and start looking for a part time job but after a good week everything has just gone back downhill and I’m back to where I was before the injections so I have no choice but to go through with the assessment and hope for the best but my anxiety is getting the better of me and feels like it’s eating me up.

How do you even begin to explain to a total stranger that although you look fine on the outside apart from walking a little funny that every step requires so much effort that even a 5 minute walk leaves you exhausted physically and mentally at the age of 25?

I know being completely honest is necessary but it’s also scary to think I’m going to have to admit to a stranger that I can’t pick up my baby at just 20 month’s old, if I take her out on my own I have to get the Mr to put her in her stroller as I can’t even do that without causing more pain, I cant even lift her onto a changing table so have to lay her stroller flat if I’m alone! How do you admit that you can’t even manage walking your 5 year old the 10-15 minute walk to school and back every day and have to rely on the Mr to do it otherwise I’m left in so much pain and feel so drained that I’m left completely useless for the rest of the day?

I guess a big part of it is me feeling like I am admitting I am a failure as a mother, I cant lift and rock my baby when she needs it, I cant walk my daughter to and from school and get chatting with the other mums, I cant take the girls to the park regularly, I cant bend down and pick up their toys properly, hell I cant even wash their damn clothes because the bending, lifting, and stretching to hang the clothes sends my back into spasm!

How do you admit all this to a stranger face to face? How do you explain that your basically useless and break down several times a day just trying to do the most basic of things? How do you explain that simple tasks make you feel so queasy because of the pain & a sharp bolt can make you vomit & leave you feeling so shaky and weak without sounding like a drama queen?

I’m also terrified my emotions will get the better of me on the day, I’m an emotional wreck most day’s as it is and if I get too worked up I get queasy and struggle to breath without throwing up! Any time I try to explain to someone what I’m going through it makes me feel like crap reeling off a list of basic tasks I struggle to do, how every time I struggle I become so upset and angry with myself for not being able to do such a ‘simple’ task etc. It all just sounds like I’m over reacting!

I guess I’ve tried to hide the pain and how it leaves me feeling from people for so long that now I need to open up and be honest so I can get the help I need it’s much harder and it feels like I’m about to go to confession to admit all my failures instead of sins.

It’s terrifying to think they could decide to deem me fit to work when I can’t even load the dishwasher daily, climb into the bath, push a hoover around and all the other thing’s most people do without thinking. The worst part is if they do say I am fit to work I have no choice but to try and find a job as there’s no way I could cope trying to keep on top of school runs, looking after Izzy etc so I need the Mr to be at home to carry on doing it all as I can’t.

Then there’s the added fear of how my health will affect a job as just 5 weeks doing 4 hours a day work experience at the job centre was draining and one of the day’s I had to be sent home as I was in so much pain & everything felt too much and I arrived in tears! I tried so hard for the first week or two to hide it but eventually the staff I worked closely with were picking up on it and I was made to go sit at a desk several times. One of those times I was struggling so much I buried my head in my arms on the desk to hide the tears whilst I tried to stretch my back out that one of the managers walked past and thought I was being lazy and told me to sit up which of course led to me feeling even worse and having to excuse myself to go hide in the toilet for 5 minutes to calm down.

I’d love to work, I’d love the chance to socialise with other’s and actually make some friends around here and do something to be proud of and show the girls the importance of working but I know realistically I just wouldn’t cope,I cant even keep on top of the blog on bad days because I just can’t even focus! It’s fairly easy to get this all down in words but how on earth am I meant to explain all this to a complete stranger and have them take me seriously? So many questions and I know on the day I’ll only feel worse and again afterwards waiting on their decision. I guess time will tell but I needed to get it all off my chest instead of letting it carry on eating me up!

Half term & chronic pain

As a parent you look forward to the idea of half term even if its just a little bit, no early hectic school runs to do, no uniform to sort, more time with the kids.. But then we also kinda dread it a little knowing we have to make sure we keep the kids occupied as much as possible to prevent the dreaded repitition of ‘I’m bored!’ aswell as having twice as much housework to keep on top of!

For me although it is a welcome break from the routine and I love the girls having more time to play together half term has also become one of those times that I feel a little sad. Being in pain so much of the time often leaves me feeling so exhausted I end up feeling guilty for doing so little with the girls in the holidays.

We are half way through this half term and so far unfortunately I have only managed to take the girls to the park twice. I wish we had done more over the past week but I haven’t been feeling great so it has been a struggle to get us out and about as even the short walk to and from the local park wears me out most days.

We have been lucky to review weekend boxes which at times has been a godsend being able to occupy Eva during Izzy’s nap times & we have been doing a few crafts ourselves but I feel guilty that they aren’t out socialising and playing with other children more, especially Izzy as she is now at a stage where she loves playing with other children.

I need to find a way to fit everything in and still manage not to push myself too hard but I get so stressed with myself falling behind as it feels like I’m constantly behind on everything and the girls suffer by being stuck indoors bored doing the same things over and over simply because I’m either busy pushing myself to catch up or suffering from pushing myself.

I am lucky as I now having a working dishwasher so have to stand at the sink less, the Mr does the clothes washing, hoovering, cleaning & feeding the animals, the majority of the cooking and shopping etc but somehow I still struggle!?

I try to make it up to the girls by reading and talking to them, taking pictures and doing what I can from the sofa on bad days but I still feel like I’m letting them down. If anyone has any tips or suggestions I’d really appreciate it as over the last few days especially its been getting me down!

Parent’s with chronic pain.. How do you do it? Honestly? I need to change the way I’m doing things but have no idea what to do or where to start!

Steroid Injection Recovery

On 8th march I had my steroid injections as some of you may know and I posted about the procedure and the first 24 hours and thought perhaps it would be helpful for other’s if I share the following few day’s too.

By the second evening I really felt exhausted after doing very little all day and the injection area was extremely sensitive and sore making it a struggle to get comfortable at all but surprisingly I woke up the following morning feeling slightly less discomfort and managed a short trip around town. I did really feel it having walked for a while and a cheeky stop at the pub probably didn’t help as the chair’s weren’t the comfiest and on top of that Izzy decided to jump and pull me to the floor and Eva managed to knock into me so hard I was almost in tears so again on the third evening I was really uncomfortable and tired. (Moral of the story actually rest for the 2-3 days following and avoid children 😉 haha) I did have a slightly earlier night in the hope I would feel better the following day.

Luckily by Friday morning I really did feel so much better and although I wasn’t completely pain-free the majority of the pain was the injection area again. My burning knees and tingly legs seemed to have stopped for a while. Unfortunately I just can’t stop myself trying to do thing’s I feel I’m supposed to do instead of resting otherwise I think I may have recovered a bit quicker but by Saturday morning I sat straight up in bed without even thinking and got up and dressed before I realised I wasn’t struggling to do so!

I can’t even begin to explain how amazing it felt to suddenly realise I was almost completely pain-free! I still felt a few twinges across the day but nowhere near as bad as usual. The Mr suggested taking the girls to the pub for lunch as the weather was warmer and nice enough for them to play in the garden. Normally I dread it knowing after 15 minutes sat in the pub my back, hips and knees will feel like they are on fire and I wont be able to concentrate or enjoy myself but for a change I felt up for it and we spent an hour or 2 there having some lunch chatting with a few people whilst the girls watched a bit of the rugby before coming home for dinner.

Usually I get back and feel exhausted and just want to die on the sofa but instead I came back feeling just slightly achy but over the moon as we had managed a lovely lunch out where I didn’t spend the whole time trying to ignore my pain and getting stressed. We even received a compliment as we were leaving from the staff as we always tidy up after ourselves and the girls behave well too. Apparently they really notice the difference when we visit, we have visited several times over the last week or 2 with friends to try and stop feeling stuck in the flat and I was worried about taking the girls in there and annoying customers & staff so to be given such a compliment really cheered me up on top of the pain relief!

I expected to wake up Sunday morning and regret going out Saturday yet instead I felt amazing and managed to walk to town as well as tidying when I got back. It was so strange being able to do things without thinking again, I’d do something silly then get overly excited because I managed it so easily!

Again Monday morning I woke up feeling great and had the dishwasher loaded and on by the time the Mr & Eva had left for the school run at 8.20am! I put some music on to motivate me even more and managed to scrub half the kitchen before the Mr was back from the school run. I’m so pleased the injections have done something for me. Bolts of pain that were bringing me to tears feel like little tiny shocks now and are so much easier to ignore. My walk doesnt look as awful and im slightly faster than a snail again. Even if it only lasts a few more days I’d happily go through it all again just for the relief I have had already!

Have you had steroid injections? How did they work for you? If at all? How long did the effects last?

 

First steroid injections

I finally had my first steroid injections yesterday at Orsett Hospital after what felt like an extremely long wait. In the end my consultant decided to give me a Lumbar epidural steroid injection, Left L5, S1 Dorsal root ganglia and Right S1, S2,  S3 lateral branch diagnostic blocks.

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I was so nervous but somehow managed to keep fairly calm on the surface. I arrived at 9am where I was shown to a bed and given a gown and the most stunning see through granny knickers going (haha!) to change into. I had my blood pressure taken once the nurse finally found a small enough arm wrap for me  & she checked my temperature before I signed some forms and was given my hospital bands and told someone would come and see me soon. I sat and skimmed the book I took along with me whilst trying to stop myself thinking of anything and working myself up. Then the lady next to me was called in after a while and I was told I would be next and someone would collect me in about 20 minutes.

I felt ridiculously nervous and mentioned on the way to the operating theatre that I had a bit of a needle phobia and was trying my best to ignore it. I had to be propped up with 2 pillows under my stomach as I am slim. They cracked a few jokes about but by then I had already began to panic and was trying to focus on not jumping off the table but my consultant Dr. Thompson noticed my heart rate and asked for me to be sedated and  I felt calm almost instantly and although I kind of felt something was happening it didn’t hurt and I wasn’t really aware of what was happening. I remember rolling onto my bed to be taken to recovery and slowly coming round fully a little while later.

Apart from a few tingles I felt very little to begin with, in fact I was amazed I had no pain! After I had been back on the ward a little while I was given tea and toast before attempting to stand. Surprisingly I felt fine standing and walking just a little stiff so the nurse let me change and called our friend Steve to come and collect me.

I felt a little stiff walking to the car and struggled to get comfy but didn’t feel too bad until I was almost home. Luckily Steve stopped and popped into a shop just in time for me to throw up. We managed to get home before I was sick again and I had a rest on the sofa. I tried to make sure I got up regularly and moved about to ease the stiffness although the pain gradually crept back over the afternoon.

first steroid injections

Over the next few hours my hips, back and legs felt like they were stiffening more and more and bolts of pain were taking my breath away and making me feel nauseous. By the evening I was in so much pain I felt so sick with each bolt of pain and struggled to eat. I spent most of the day on the sofa cuddled up with my pillow and wheat bag feeling exhausted and sorry for myself.

Before bed the Mr ran me a nice warm bath so I could de-tango myself and try to ease the pain a little in the hope I could get some sleep. I dosed myself up and although I did wake several times I had a fairly OK night but woke up very stiff again. Unfortunately I was sick a few more times when I got up due to bolts of pain and felt exhausted still but I tried to move around gently across the morning having a few rest periods on the sofa.

I decided to look Dr Thomson up on-line to see if there had been any feedback from his other patients and was surprised and pleased to find out just how successful he is in his field. When  I came across this page I really was impressed reading about Dr Thomson’s work and the 5th paragraph reminded me how it amazed me when he actually listened to me at my first pain management appointment and I had a feeling he really knew what he was talking about.

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http://www.basildonandthurrock.nhs.uk/media-centre/747-pain-consultant-highlights-international-work

 

Having read this I am so glad I am under such a great team and although I am struggling with the pain I am confident that whether the injections work or not I am under a great consultant who will continue to help me. From the very few people who were able to share their experiences with me it seems I have been very lucky so far and hopefully the pain will ease up soon and the injections work even if its just a few day’s of relief! I will be sent another appointment in the next 13-18 weeks so I guess for now its just a case of resting and seeing how things go. I think I’m going to set up the Catch My Pain app to remind me to track my pain levels again now I have the G4 back so I can monitor everything until my next appointment.

10 reasons I missed my LGG4

I’m sure most of you have heard me moaning like a little girl about the death of my LGG4 followed by the long wait for it to be repaired & returned and some of you may possibly wondering why I keep banging on about the phone. Well yes partly I am a bit of a phone obsessed geek but the phone itself is genuinely the best phone I’ve had the pleasure of owning so far! So much so I decided to share with you 10 reasons I love it so much!

 

  1. Screen size – The LGG4 has a 5.5 inch Quantum 2K IPS (2560 × 1440 resolution 534 PPI) display. Something I never thought would bother me was screen size (considering I once had the Virgin Lobster 485 teeny tiny phone) but after using the G4 for 8 months then reverting back to smaller screen size for a month I seriously appreciate having a larger screen again. The images are so crisp and clear on the G4 anything smaller just doesn’t compare!
  2.  Memory – In this day and age with so many apps and games you need a decent amount of memory on most phones and 2GB really didn’t cut it. I could just about download facebook, twitter, instagram & wordpress but then couldn’t receive emails unless i deleted them constantly at least on the G4 with 32GB I never run out of memory & if I did there is a Micro SD slot to expand the memory further.
  3. Camera quality! – OK I may not be great at taking photo’s but I honestly love taking them and having them to look back on especially with the girls constantly growing and learning. Whilst I’m still learning my way around camera’s it really is noticeable how amazing the G4 camera is all round! Izzy was as pleased as me as she absolutely loves the front camera to take a good selfie!LGG4
  4. Signal quality – The LGG4 picks up my wifi 11 floors down and a good few yards away in the college opposite us yet my old HTC One X and even the Samsung Galaxy Young I have used over the last month I can barely get a wifi signal in my own kitchen! As for calls and texts my signal rarely fails on the G4 which eases a lot of my anxieties whereas the galaxy young rarely had signal.
  5. Phoning the fish! – I turned off my Smart Hub whilst I was without the G4 as I just didn’t have the memory to install it on the galaxy young and since the Mr’s phone is dying a slow death it literally takes hours to download anything even using wifi (his signal is pants!) I genuinely couldn’t be bothered to set it up on his phone. Now the G4 is back I plugged it all back in so we could continue phoning the fish. With the added Power Outlet I won the fish tank light and pump are now both using a power outlet and I even got round to installing the app on the Mr’s phone too.
  6. Google apps – Although the galaxy young also had Google apps and the capability to sync ONE Google account and the lack of memory meant it didn’t sync regularly or receive notifications properly. I have 3 Gmail accounts I like to keep on top of so only being able to sync one account was hell especially as I wasn’t able to sync my blogging Gmail account meaning I was late replying to a few emails! Now I have all my accounts synced up and get notifications again I can keep on top of it all much better. I can also use the calendar again which is extremely important for me to have since I forget EVERYTHING!
  7. Blogging tools – With the G4 I have the space to keep a range of apps including WordPress and Quick memo+ meaning I can write out posts as they come to me and save them to go back and edit them later. I can check all my social accounts regularly and chat to other bloggers again although admittedly I’ve done very little of this so far as I’ve been busy filling the phone up with apps and syncing my accounts when I’m not busy with life.
  8. Gaming – Oh how I missed playing games in moments of boredom! With lack of space, a tiny screen and awful signal I couldn’t play a single game. The graphics are amazing on the G4 and I am loving playing games such as reckless racing 3, crack attack and word dash again!
  9. Music – The G4 sound quality is great and I love listening to music when I’m on public transport or walking somewhere alone and I couldn’t wait to download all my favourite songs again ready for a moment of freedom 😉 haha!
  10. Youtube – I never realised just how much I relied on youtube until it was unusable on the galaxy young. Eva asks a ton of questions and some times the easiest way to explain things to her is by showing her educational videos and I missed being able to quickly show her a video. My crochet has been neglected slightly too as I was using my phone to watch tutorials.

So there are ten reasons why I missed my LGG4 (and hated the Samsung Galaxy Young). If your phone was damaged what would you miss most?

Revival and Return Of The LGG4

I wrote about the death of the LGG4 previously on the blog. After writing the post I messaged LG to double check if the phone was under warranty. I was over the moon to hear that it was infact still under warranty and a repair was quickly booked in by Ben from LG’s customer service. The phone was collected on the 3rd of February and taken away by DPD

I have had to borrow a phone so I can still contact people and I wont lie, it is absolutely driving me insane! I miss my daily selfies with Izzy, actually recieving notifications, being able to use the internet without waiting 6 months for a single page to load.. oh and it turns itself off and on about 30 times a day. Rather helpful.. not!

I received an email on the 6th titled ‘Repair to ASC’ but the rest of the email didn’t translate to much, I recieved another one of these email’s on the 12th and began to wonder when/if the phone was coming back and messaged LG again and was asked to forward the email’s I had recieved on the 15th as several other customer’s said the same thing. I got an automated response on the 16th to say they had received my forwarded emails and then heard nothing until the 20th when I recieved a text message from LG letting me know DPD will be delivering my parcel by the 23rd!!

Return of the LGG4

I was so damn relieved after having to put up with the tiny Samsung Young I had borrowed for over a month that restarts, doesn’t give notifications, rejects the SD card and is generally slower than me first thing in the morning! I couldn’t wait until the 23rd and was so happy when I got a text giving me an hours window for the delivery.

I spent a while checking out the window for a DPD van and when I finally saw it arrived I may have squeeled and bounced a bit, even Izzy get excited and we bounced down the hall to wait for the buzzer where a bit more bouncing happened. Yes I did end up hurting myself as I forgot my balance is so off lately but I am a bit of a geek and get over excited haha!

As soon as I got my lovely phone back I plugged it straight in to charge and got it booted up, instantly relieved to see it worked and turned on..YAY!!! I read the slip inside which stated the mains board had been faulty and had been replaced. I’m so happy it was under warranty and I was able to get it repaired and cant wait to get back into blogging properly (it’s much easier to do EVERYTHING on the G4) and get chatting with other blogs too!

A Lovely Mother’s Day Surprise

Whilst in town a few weeks back the Mr discovered a ‘Mother’s Day Gallery’ in our local shopping centre and suggested checking incase Eva’s school had taken part.

 

Photo from Shopping centre website

We went inside and found Eva’s school and looked through to see if she had drawn a picture for the gallery, Eva’s picture of me instantly stood out with the purple hair and blue eyes. I  was so proud it had been featured in the gallery and was in the middle of her year groups pictures.

When we got home I checked the shopping centre’s website and facebook page to see if I could find any more information or events surrounding it as they usually run different thing’s across the year for the kids.

 

The gallery was up much earlier than advertised but it turn’s out next week judges will pick out their favorite! I’d love to see Eva win but regardless I am so proud of her and her drawing and it was such a lovely surprise finding it in our local shopping centre.

Have you had any lovely surprise’s lately?